The Fear Wall

I wrote the first part of this text a little while back now. 

The second part is new…. 

THEN

it couldn't be easier for me to put up a wall to how i'm feeling or what i'm thinking. I don't know why, i guess i'm just built that way.

There is so many reasons why people do it, but i think the root of all those reasons is fear…

Fear that what you feel or think is useless,

Fear that what you feel or think makes you strange,

Fear that revealing a part of yourself to someone will make them feel differently towards you,

Fear that the one time you do let that guard down, all those thoughts and feelings that you've so avidly protected will be trampled all over.

Every time I have let myself believe all those things i've added another brick, pasted on some more mortar, and sand blasted it with my own stubbornness, just to give it a lasting finish.

All this has achieved is a lonely, cold and shadowed place, created by something that hasn't even happened yet.

NOW

I woke up this morning, lying next to the most amazing person I know. He doesn't like the wall.

First he threw a ladder over the wall and asked me to climb up to peak over, just to see that there was nothing to be afraid of.

Then he pulled out some of the middle bricks, carefully, so that I could see through.

After that he fitted a door in the wall, that he only holds the key for, but he always knocks if he wants to come through.

Soon after that he started making regular trips behind the wall and made some home improvements… building other walls, not fear walls, good walls. He did some decorating, moved in some furniture. 

Eventually he moved in, and i wasn't scared anymore, he built a home out of that crappy wall and made it safe an comfortable.

I don't have to be scared any more.

Scratch that itch

Isnt it strange what inspires you .... ?

All day today my legs were itching... and i was trying to resist it... and did until i got into bed ... and lay here ... and that was all i could think about... and then i thought "the only reason i'm not relieving this ENTIRELY irritating itch, is because someone, somewhere in my life told me to not scratch it...and for some reason it got me thinking about life...

I am constantly resisting doing thing's in my life, because something (media, upbringing, peer pressure etc) has told me i shouldn't....

naturally i am a pretty (as my mother would like to put it) "rebellious" (or as i would like to put it) "free spirited"person, i like doing/saying things outside the norm, but i still question myself... why?

I tend to do whatever it is that i wanted to do anyway, but i wish i didn't have a second thought about it...

is it my conscience or is it because the world tries to make you fit into a box?

I think i'm passed caring now...

I'm gonna scratch the itch... and not think twice about it...

Ahhhh... that feels better!!!

:)

Its been a while....

Whilst i do love writing... and my intention is to blog on a regular basis, i have not followed through with my intentions... for many reasons...

What I want to talk about today is how easy it is to talk to yourself out of something...

I'm in a situation right now, where I'm completely sure about doing something, and I know its right... but I'm paralyzed with fear... its a completely irrational fear, but often we fear the good in our lives, purely because we are expecting something to go wrong...

I'm constantly thinking the worst, expecting the worse, like its all to good to be true.. Its SO ridiculous...

Help?

Cruel to be kind

Do you think if we were all brutally honest at all times, that we would be better off?

For example, 

you're very good friend gets a hair cut, it is so awful, you think it would be more beneficial for her to shave it off and start again. 

Do you say exactly what you think? 

Or do you smile and nod, trying to hide the sheer disgust?

Its a choice that we've all made on numerous occasions, and not really thought twice about.

I know that its the easier option to smile, nod and swiftly change the subject, but is that the right thing to do? 

My thoughts on this derive from being on the receiving end of this scenario (with different content, my hair is alright) and not really knowing what the other person thinks. I think i would rather have the cruel to be kind option... but i can understand why it would be hard for the other person to deliver that news.

Most of us can sense when we are being lied to, and thats one of the most frustrating positions to be in. It can almost create an unwarranted sense of paranoia and distrust.

Personally, I would rather the harsh truth...because either way, you're going to feel hurt. So feeling hurt for the right reasons would feel more justified. 

So the long and short of it is, If you want to say something to me, say it....

what a mess?

Isn't it strange when an accident happens, people begin to apportion blame...Questioning every decision made up until that point, analysing all the details, picking over the nitty gritty...

Where as if the accident hadn't have happened no-one would have questioned any decision made, wouldn't come to any conclusion from analysing the details, and nitty gritty would be non existent...

So why is it that those details and decisions become relevant when accidents occur?

why can't the accident be looked at singularly, compartmentalised from the actions that preceded it...

An accident is an unexpected occurrence, with no intention behind it...

We call it an accident... but as soon as blame is placed, is it really an accident anymore?

Conversations About nothing....suggestions??

I often find myself in a boring "small talk" type conversation with someone.

Both of us trying to muster something up to say, occasionally adding a witty comment or looking at the window during an awkward silence and referring to the weather...

Finding yourself in this situation can lead to you so badly wanting to fill the awkward silence, change the flow of conversation or in fact giving up all together, you may unintentionally make an embarrassing/inappropriate comment or be so BORED out your brains that you make some excuse and get out..

Its inevitable that these mundane conversations are bound to occur in our lives, but how do we change this for the better, how do we avoid this and make the conversation interesting?... I'm officially fed up with making any more "small talk"

Anyone got any suggestions?

Abby's birthday

Today is my oldest friends birthday...


So as a tribute... i'm writing this blog about her...


Abby is one of those friends, no matter how often you see her, or what changes in your life.... you remain just as close to her and nothing ever changes...


sometimes it feels like my friendship with her is one of the only constant, unbreakable things in my life...


Abby is amazing, she has had some tough things to deal with in her life, and just taken them on the chin and got on with it


She has got the BIGGEST imagination, always thinking of things to do, and making things happen..


We were always up to mischief when we were younger, and still are now to be honest...


I remember when we were little she was about 3, i was 5 and my sister was 7. It was a week day and abby reeeeeeaaalllly wanted to stay at my house for a sleepover, naturally the mums scuppered our plans of pillow fights and midnight feasts in favour of getting an early night and going to school...


Well, this time we weren't having it... it was the final straw and they had said no too many times...


We hatched a plan to hide abby in the back of the car, in the bit where you put your feet, and she would keep very quiet until we got home...then she would HAVE TO sleep over, because she was already there...


Now, before i continue i have to set the scene a little... this was a day and age where mobile phones weren't common practice, and the crime rate for kidnapping was rather high... ALSO me my mum and sister, weren't actually going home yet, we were going alllllll the way across town to go and see my granny, WHOOPS!


So it got to the time that we all say goodbye, our mums always took about half an hour to do this, because there was always something they hadn't finished talking about, we were running around in the front garden trying to act completely innocent, as if we hadn't hatched any evil plan to steal abby for a sleepover! My mum told us to get in the car, so the door was opened...this was our getaway car, almost like a "mystery machine"... i think i could actually here the Scooby Doo theme tune...


So we got in the car and abby sat my my feet, in the foot bay behind the driver, we had gotten very tactical about this, considering we were 3, 5 and 7...we had the minds of evil supervillans! 


We pulled away from abby's house waving good bye to abby's mum (cerys), and started on the way to my granny's, My sister (zoe) occasionally started looking in to the back seat, and giggling a little, nearly blowing our cover...typical sisters hey?


Abby stayed completely silent, not one peep came out of that girls mouth in a 30 minute journey, SHE WAS 3!!!! seriously, i don't know of any 3 year old that can stay quiet for that long, everything is too interesting when your that age... you start going crazy if you see a lady bird, there are trees to climb, jumping to do, and theres nothing like a good game of washing machines and lifts....why be quiet when theres all this fun to be had!!!


But clearly abby knew the drill, she wanted this sleepover more than anything...and if that meant sacrificing a good game of washing machines and lifts, so be it....she was committed!


So, my mum made a pit stop at a co-op near by my gran's house, i'm assuming to pick some food up...but to this day, i believe it was to ruin our plans!


We had to think fast because we all had to get out of the car...Do we do the big reveal now? of do we wait until we get to my grans...


It had to be now, abby had been through enough, all that quietness, the sacrifice of searching for insects and making mud pie, and being cooped up in that tiny little foot troff like some sort of animal!....no, i wasn't going to let her stay there anymore...


with a knowing look and a nod, i opened the door and got out abby closely following with a BIG smile on her face...her first words "Hi, averil (my mum)" ...me, abby and zoe fell about laughing, we'd kept this GIANT secret for half an hour! 


My mums face dropped, completely panic stricken, she dashed to the nearest pay phone...Still quite proud of our achievements, and completely unaware of any consequences our scheme may have had, we followed my mum to hear her side of this telephone conversation...


"hi, hi, cerys...are you ok?....no, no, no she's with me, the girls hid her in the back of the car....What? the police? helicopters? call them now, and tell them i've got her...ok i'm gonna go to my grans and then bring her home"


At this point my mum turned to us, with a look of disappointment only ever used if we had done something REALLY bad... we knew not to that again!! 


There were SO many more adventures like this when we were growing up, and they were all full of mischief and fun...


I owe many of my good memories to abby and her family...


Thanks wood!! your the best! happy birthday me old fruit!


xx

Stuff i've learnt along the way....

So,

I went to Sri Lanka about 2 years ago on a missions trip, and learnt a lot and will probably mention this a lot in my blogs...

I learnt that everyone has a story, a reason they are the way they are...

As human beings, we are so quick to make a judgement on someone, based on an "impression" they made...

Before i went to Sri Lanka I knew this guy, he was socially awkward and kept quiet all the time, but when you did speak to him, he came out with very strange comments...kind of freaking people out... I had known this guy for many years, but been totally ignorant to why he was the way he was and just avoided talking to him...

when i got back i saw him, and I went and spoke to him, asked him about his life, he told me his story over looking the strange comments, and pushing past the awkward exterior...

he grew up in a house where his older sister got all the attention because she was messed up from things that had happened to her in the past, she constantly acted out and was always getting in trouble...

he was the younger one, didn't misbehave, just sat back and watched it all happen, left to his own devices, to kind of learn on his own...

after talking for sometime, he seemed less awkward and strange, he seemed like someone who was just finding his own way in life, and doing the best he could...

This showed me, that everyone has a reason they are the way they are....this never justifies bad behaviour or anything like that...but if you take the time to listen, instead of making a snap judgement...you may find yourself learning....

New at blogging

Hey 

So, im pretty new at this...i tend to write things, but not publicise them...

But i feel like theres something quite liberating about it...

Its kind of like a voice...that i haven't got in my life... so this seemed like (even if no-one's listening/reading) something that would give me some sort of outlet..

I hope you enjoy reading as much as I enjoy writing...

thanks

Kelly 

mmmm???

The temporary that you think is permanent?

Some people come into your life that you think are special, and that will never purposely hurt you….you're wrong. 

As much as you think that they are there for you and will be no matter what, its not real.

Everything is contrary to what you see in the movies and on t.v, this is all fabricated from someones idealistic imagination, and it tempts us into thinking that we have some chance of having the fairy tale ending, and live happily ever after.

theres almost never a happy ending, just a continuous struggle to obtain a moderate happiness. almost as if we are all cars, depreciating with age, and constantly needing fixing, but as soon as something is mended, something else needs fixing.

i write the truth, whilst there may be joy along side the struggles, no matter how much we see the good, the human race will always focus on the struggles…

we are a selfish species, ignorant to the bigger picture. 

we are like this, because almost everything in our existence is temporary, apart from the negative.

even if the instance that the bad thing happens doesn't last forever, the feeling of it does… can you really say that for happiness?

why is this?

its almost impossible for us to believe that the happiness out weighs the sadness, because often the happiness is taken away, and that memory is tainted with the sadness.

is this not a sad existence… 

I realise I sound like some sort of monumental pessimist… but i have so many questions…

why when i ask questions, people respond with a statement to sweep over the real point, almost masking so they don't have to face up to the reality of mankind?