I wrote the first part of this text a little while back now.
The second part is new….
THEN
it couldn't be easier for me to put up a wall to how i'm feeling or what i'm thinking. I don't know why, i guess i'm just built that way.
There is so many reasons why people do it, but i think the root of all those reasons is fear…
Fear that what you feel or think is useless,
Fear that what you feel or think makes you strange,
Fear that revealing a part of yourself to someone will make them feel differently towards you,
Fear that the one time you do let that guard down, all those thoughts and feelings that you've so avidly protected will be trampled all over.
Every time I have let myself believe all those things i've added another brick, pasted on some more mortar, and sand blasted it with my own stubbornness, just to give it a lasting finish.
All this has achieved is a lonely, cold and shadowed place, created by something that hasn't even happened yet.
NOW
I woke up this morning, lying next to the most amazing person I know. He doesn't like the wall.
First he threw a ladder over the wall and asked me to climb up to peak over, just to see that there was nothing to be afraid of.
Then he pulled out some of the middle bricks, carefully, so that I could see through.
After that he fitted a door in the wall, that he only holds the key for, but he always knocks if he wants to come through.
Soon after that he started making regular trips behind the wall and made some home improvements… building other walls, not fear walls, good walls. He did some decorating, moved in some furniture.
Eventually he moved in, and i wasn't scared anymore, he built a home out of that crappy wall and made it safe an comfortable.
I don't have to be scared any more.
